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mimi |
I'm new here! |
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Hello Everyone! I am a newcomer. It's a little scary for me, as I've never done anything like this before, participating in an online group like this. Here's my story: Last December 22 we got a call from our daughter who was 26 weeks pregnant. All ultrasounds, surveys, etc. had been perfect up until this time. She wasn't even scheduled to have another ultrasound before delivery. She saw a different obstetrician since her doctor was on vacation. The new ob thought she looked a little big for her dates. They did an ultrasound and saw some irregularities in the baby's brain. They scheduled our daughter for an MRI the following day. We dropped everything and went to be with her and our son-in-law. The MRI showed "multiple cerebral anomalies". I won't go in to all the details. The difficult choice was made and we flew to Kansas the day after Christmas for the termination. That week in Kansas was like being in a protective cocoon. We have two beautiful granddaughters by our other daughter. This baby would have been our first grandson. His name was Eli. He was baptized. To use a phrase I just found in a book about prayer....we are now "baptized into the sacrament of suffering." Anyone who thinks these decisions are made frivolously for the sake of "convenience" has never walked in the shoes of these dear broken-hearted young people. We were blessed to be able to be with our daughter and son-in-law throughout this ordeal. It has been very traumatic for the whole family. It helps to know that there are others out there who understand from the heart. Peace to you all.
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my little angel K |
Re: I'm new here! | #1 | ||
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Mimi,
I just wanted to tell you I am very sorry for the loss of your dear little grandson Eli. I think it is wonderful that you are here and that you went through this with your daughter and son-in-law in such a supportive way! Sorry you have to be here for such a terrible loss, but glad you came! Sincerely, Michelle |
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kmscolle |
Re: I'm new here! | #2 | ||
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Mimi,
I am very sorry to hear of the loss of your grandson Eli. It is great to see that you are so supportive of your family. You can tell by your post that you are a very compassionate person who loves her family. You were there for your daughter in a time of deep need. You should be applauded for going to Kansas with your daughter and son-in-law. What a great show of support! I appreciate your comment about this type of decision. It is truly heartbreaking as many of us here know. I wish you and your family peace and healing. Kate |
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mimi |
Re: I'm new here! | #3 | ||
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Thanks to both of you for your responses to my first posting. It means so much to me. I didn't know if people were still "out there" to be checking the site since I saw that many of the losses were in 2005. As we approach my daughter's due date next week (3/19) it will be more difficult for us. People expect the burden of grief to go away much faster than it ever does. I wonder if Christmas will ever be the same again after what we went through this past year.Blessings to you, Mimi
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kgcitygal |
Re: I'm new here! | #4 | ||
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Hi Mimi,
I am sorry to hear of the loss of your sweet grandson Eli. I have let my Mom know you have posted. Your daughter and son in law are very fortunate to have such love and support in their lives; I have also been so fortunate. For us, the due date was a very difficult but so very important milestone; to commemorate it in a personal way was very fulfilling for me and my husband. We spent our entire day, just the two of us, doing things in loving memory of our sweet Hayley Rebecca. Sharing what we did with our family, and friends, including the ladies here, was very liberating, since at times the grief can feel like a stranglehold. The days leading up to it were by far more difficult than the day itself. At the day's end, I slept with a peace I had not felt since before we received our poor prenatal diagnosis. There is still pain and grief, at times, but it is not constant, nor as intense, though all women have somewhat different experiences. I hope all of this is helpful for you to know. I wish you peace, love, and strength. Please keep checking in and let us all know how you are doing. xoxo Karin |
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granmeg |
Re: I'm new here! | #5 | ||
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Hi Mimi,
I am so sorry you are here. I know how upsetting this is for your whole family. I wish there was a way to take away the pain, but each of us deals with the loss in our own way. Ypur daughter and son-in -law are fortunate to have good support. It certainly helps them and you too. I too faced the edd with some trepidation. Fortunatly, I am surrounded by understanding friends. I did mark my daughter's edd, what was to be Hayley's birthday in my own special way. I had been knitting 'Afghans for Angels' almost from the time of my daughter's termination. partly as a healing measure for me. Proir to the edd, I delivered them to my gynecologist for use in their practice for mothers who terminate by L&D or even really preemie babies who might not make it. I HAD to deliver those blankets before the edd. On Hayley's edd, I packed up her baby blanket, mittens and bonnet I had knit for her, as well as a note I wrote to her. I had received a loveley note from my neighbor and it's in her box. I also took the time that morning to pen another note to my darling 'Becca. I had ordered a balloon -just a chld's birthday balloon - and had Hayley and 12-5 put on it. My husband and I took that balloon to a high spot in Valley Forge Park and together we let it go. When I came home, I put the rock weight into her box as well. Because my daughter and son-in-law live in New York, and Central Park is a big part of their lives, I arranged through the Central Park Conservancy, to have daffodils planted in Hayley's memory. The certificaate is also in her box. As requested, I had a glass of wine in her honor that night. Mimi, I encourage you mark the day in some way that is meaningful for you. This all still really hurts to write this (through the tears), but my daughter and I have both found wonderful support here. I am still knitting my afghans, and I have more to deliver. I also have an 'Angel' pin I got from a site called 'Carla's Angels'. I wore it a lot around that time and when I feel the need, I take it out and wear it on my lapel. I hope you find the peace that comes from knowing you are not alone. Some day, your daughter wll have a healthy baby. I have 2 grandsons. Hayley was to be our first granddaughter. I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Love Granmeg |
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jore29 |
Re: I'm new here! | #6 | ||
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Dear Mimi:
I am so sorry for all your family has gone through. How wonderful that you have been so supportive of your daughter. I know that she must appreciate it very much. I never even shared my pregnancy with my parents because I knew that if a serious abnormality was detected that we would terminate the pregnancy - and my parents could never have supported me in that decision. Well, it turned out that something was seriously wrong and it was an easier path to grieve alone than to face my parents' strict moral judgement. It is hurtful for me to know that I could not lean on them, but I am always moved deeply when I read of parents like you who are so supportive and loving to their children when faced with such an awful decision. I hope you will find peace and healing on little Eli's due date. Love, JoRe |
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kmscolle |
Re: I'm new here! | #7 | ||
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Mimi,
Thank you for your private ez-mail message. I hope you are doing well. I wish you and your family well on your beloved Eli's upcoming EDD on 3/19. Please feel free to post here any questions or feelings. Other grandparents might find it helpful to know that they are not alone.
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mimi |
Re: I'm new here! | #8 | ||
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Thank you so very much to all of you who responded so kindly to my first posting. We returned tonight from spending the weekend with our daughter. The grief is still raw for us sometimes. I was so glad to read Karin's message that some peace came at the close of the due date day. I pray that may be true for my daughter and son-in-law. I wish I could snap my fingers and make the guilt and grief go away. JoRe, how painful for you to go through all of that without the support of your parents! This loss has sent shock waves through our family and disrupted relationships in different ways. I will pray for healing for all of our families. I am part of a Prayer Shawl knitting ministry. Granmeg is a knitter too. When we found out about my daughter I was almost finished knitting a dark green shawl. I was knitting it while she was having her MRI. I was able to finish it just in time for Christmas to give to my daughter. She wore it the whole time in Kansas, and I was so glad to have been able to do something to help comfort her. I think I will spend some time on her due date writing something for little Eli. A friend of ours is making a wooden box for all the little keepsakes. Peace to all of you and thank you for your support. Mimi
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DaughtersMom |
Re: I'm new here! | #9 | ||
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Hello all,
Thought I'd just continue this thread......... as I'm new here. Our daughter lost her baby in May and today for some reason (2.5 weeks later) I'm having a difficult time keeping the tears at bay. I think of her, her plans, her strength and I just get so sad and mad thinking of how it just isn't fair that she had to give it up. While not trying to be maudlin, I do feel sad sometimes. We have helped her through this past month, from the first ultrasound with the awful news, til after. She also has had wonderful friends to help her, too. Mainly, I want to thank all of you for all the posts (yeah, I've read all of them) and helpful ideas about the EDD and other rituals we can create and participate in to make the loss meaningful and to help us remember. -B |
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kgcitygal |
Re: I'm new here! | #10 | ||
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B,
I'm so sorry for your loss and hope that both you and your daughter can find comfort here. It has been nearly 9 months since my own loss, and I still find the best therapy to be found in the company of the women on the private boards here. It does get easier, but the grief process is definitely a (not fun) roller-coaster ride--ups and downs that will take you by surprise at first, and sometimes even later on. But in time, you and your family will find joy again, waking up to find that the sun does, indeed, continue to shine. I found that it takes a lot of work to grieve this type of loss, and it is not like any other loss you or she will ever experience, simply because there are 2 losses--the loss of the baby she did lose and the wished-for child who should have been healthy. I am also blessed to have a wonderfully loving family and tremedously supportive friends, but nothing is quite like commiserating with those who have been exactly where you have been. There are grandmas who watch this board for the newly bereraved, hopefully they will check in shortly. In the meantime, those of us who are active are here for you. If you have any questions or concerns, please feel free to ask. Wishing you and your family peace. Karin |
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granmeg |
Re: I'm new here! | #11 | ||
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B,
I am so sorry for your loss. I know how heartbreaking this all is for you and your family. I am glad some of the threads here have been helpful to you in planning for what lies ahead. Each of us goes through this whole grieving process in our own way, and sometimes the tears just keep coming. I have found that sometimes I give myself permission to 'wallow' evey once in a while. After a time, the tears are gone and I feel better. Your daughter is fortunate to have such good support. So many others do not have anyone they can trust to help them. I remember my daughter calling and I would just listen and cry with her. It isn't fair, but neither is life. I have a wonderful group of friends who were always there for me and that helped, as did my knitting. In the last 9 months, I have given away 9 baby blankets - only one was not made by me. And each time, I cry a little, knowing how these blankets will be used. I only hope I can give some comfort to others who are suffering the losses our dstrong daughters have suffered. Things will get better. Many times there are no answers to that all encompassing 'WHY?'. It's something we just have to accept and try to move forward a little each day. Please feel freet o contact me directly if I can be of any help. I know how daunting it is to be out here in a public forum, but there are many women who are there for you and your daughter at this difficult time. You will never forget your angel baby, and you will miss the grandchild who isn't here. And that's OK too. Wishing you peace, comfort, love and ,Margaret |
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granmeg |
Re: I'm new here! | #12 | ||
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B,
I am so sorry for your loss. I know how heartbreaking this all is for you and your family. I am glad some of the threads here have been helpful to you in planning for what lies ahead. Each of us goes through this whole grieving process in our own way, and sometimes the tears just keep coming. I have found that sometimes I give myself permission to 'wallow' evey once in a while. After a time, the tears are gone and I feel better. Your daughter is fortunate to have such good support. So many others do not have anyone they can trust to help them. I remember my daughter calling and I would just listen and cry with her. It isn't fair, but neither is life. I have a wonderful group of friends who were always there for me and that helped, as did my knitting. In the last 9 months, I have given away 9 baby blankets - only one was not made by me. And each time, I cry a little, knowing how these blankets will be used. I only hope I can give some comfort to others who are suffering the losses our strong daughters have suffered. Things will get better. Many times there are no answers to that all encompassing 'WHY?'. It's something we just have to accept and try to move forward a little each day. Please feel free to contact me directly if I can be of any help. I know how daunting it is to be out here in a public forum, but there are many women who are there for you and your daughter at this difficult time. You will never forget your angel baby, and you will miss the grandchild who isn't here. And that's OK too. Wishing you peace, comfort, love and ,Margaret |
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DaughtersMom |
Re: I'm new here! | #13 | ||
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Thanks Margaret and Karin,
Yesterday was a tough day, but today is better! I sure appreciate your thoughts and kind words. I'll be in touch. -B |
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sallyfriedman |
Re: I'm new here! | #14 | ||
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Feel free to contact me directly too.
Right now you're grieving for two people--your grandbaby and your daughter. You're worried sick about her (I know I've been about mine). Time was, we could fix it with a Bandaid and a cookie, but not this time. |
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