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My story...includes d&e info:

First let me say that as soon as we learned we were finally pregnant, we decided that we would not have any invasive testing done. We had been TTC for a LONG time and didn't want to risk miscarriage for a diagnosis that we would not be able to change or fix anyway. Termination wasn't in our vocabulary. We agreed to ultrasounds for peace of mind and because we loved seeing our baby develop.

It's strange how reality changes your decisions on these matters. We found out @ 13wks during the NT screen ultrasound that our baby had a probability for Down Syndrome (missing nasal bone, increased NT thickness, abnormal blood flow). Our world changed in that moment & we were devasated as we researched what our precious baby's life might be like, especially past childhood. We waited 2 days for the maternal blood serum test that came back w/ elevated HCG @ 99.9% for DS. Then another 5 days to have a CVS @ 14 wks to definitely tell us. (They would've done an amnio, but the placenta membranes weren't fused fully yet, so the CVS was safer at that point). 2 days later the rush FiSH test confirmed DS & that our baby was a little girl. After prayers, medical research, reading, genetic, pastoral & marital counseling, we made the heartbreaking choice to terminate and awaited the final CVS results the following week that would allow our doctors to proceed.

I was then scheduled to have the cardiac injection done at the perinatalogist the morning after the results were received @ 15 wks. Knowing what day the results were expected to arrive, I took the day off from work and spent it doing things w/ my baby girl (we named Anna). We read, sat outside and watched the birds, ate PB&J, painted daffodils and watched the sunset. Although I was sad, I'll always cherish that perfect & last day that I spent pregnant with her.

We asked to have the hospital chaplain meet with us just prior to the injection procedure. The injection procedure was very difficult for many reasons, but I know we made our decision out of love. I don't know how available these injections are to most people before d&e's, but it was the right thing for us and also my GYN wouldn't do the d&e without having this done prior. Although the injection procedure stopped her heart and was the most difficult event I've experienced in my life both emotionally and physically (because of what was happening not because of physical pain), I would still recommend it over having a d&e alone, when & if possible. I will say that it was agonizing and it took longer than I had anticipated 10-15 min maybe, but felt like 30 min. It's done like an amnio (through the abdomin). After the Dr. performed it, she said she was sorry for our loss. It was surreal and I'll never forget it. I held a cross in my hand during the procedure and have worn it every day since. It gives me comfort to have it with me - a symbolic bridge to our baby girl.

The D&E was scheduled for the following day, but ended up being delayed a week because of conflicting feelings we had about the d&e vs. a labor/delivery because of what would happen to her body during the d&e procedure. Frankly the GYN in the practice that performs the d&e's refused to do it the following day because I didn't want her body to be harmed - he said I needed more time to decide on the right method for us and to come to terms with what would be medically necessary.

It's so hard to going from protecting your baby every second to making these AHC decisions. Although we ultimately decided not to deliver her body, I felt like I was able to hold her within me during that week and concentrated on sending affectionate feelings to her. I did light house & yard work, went to the park etc., but I was in a twilight realm of life & of my pregnancy. I miss that I never held her in my arms and wonder if I made the right decision about not going through the labor process so that I could see & hold her. Even now I still sleep with my hand on my stomach like she's still there.

The day prior to the d&e I went to my GYN for the laminaria placement to dilate my cervix. I took 2 Advil 1/2 hr before my appt. The placement was like a very uncomfortable pap, but quick & not too bad. I had cramping that they said would get better...unfortunately for me it didn't! It got worse. Within 3 hours I couldn't take the severe cramping & cervical pain. I felt nauseous & dizzy from it and called my dr for a Rx pain reliever w/ codine. I can't imagine how I would've been able to handle the pain had my husband not left work to pick up that rx. Not everyone experiences pain to this degree, but I would recommend requesting an Rx before the doctor's offices close for the day just in case! I tried to be brave and just endure it for the first couple of hours, thinking it was part of the process, but I'm glad I called and asked for help.

The D&E @ 16 wks was difficult, but I'm lucky that it was done at a local large hospital and I had very competent & compassionate care. (I also had a D&C for a miscarriage in 2004 & it was similar to that.) Iv's, general anesthesia, meds to help w/ nausea. I listened to my ipod - soothing piano music to help with my nerves before I went under.

After the surgery I requested the hospital chaplain and we said a prayer and blessing for our daughter's remains. They brought the container, covered in a blue hospital towel, to my bed in recovery. While I was extremely anguished over all that had happened and still very groggy from the drugs, that little ceremony we had for her body gave me great comfort. I also know that the hospital placed a baby blanket and small teddy bear next to her container. Little sweet gestures like that really help me feel better too.

My physical recovery lasted about 4 days. Day 1, I was mainly tired & slept. I bled similar to a light/moderate period. On day 2 & 3, every muscle in my body ached like I had been hit by a bus, but I could get around the house okay (mainly it was my neck, back, calves). I took some of my rx pain meds. By day 4, I could move around without as much soreness and had stopped taking meds. I began then to feel the acute pain of grief. Starting day 5, I went back to work for 1/2 days for the remaining of that week and full time since then. I would've liked to have stayed home longer, but I was out of paid sick leave and didn't want to go on disability.

We've since had her remains cremated and her cremains are now home with us, almost a month to the day as our initial NT Ultrasound. We are still deciding how we will memorialize her and where the final resting place for her ashes will be.

I will never fully recover from this emotionally. It's very hard, but I have good support. I wish you much comfort if you are facing this decision yourself. There's no easy decision when you are facing poor prenatal dx, we can only do our best to decide what we feel is ultimately best for our children.