People say really stupid things in the attempt to be supportive. What is the most annoying piece of advice you have received?
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Ignorant comments?
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 boobookittyx3 |
Ignorant comments? |
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AHC Veteran
Posts: 1796 03/15/06 04:40 Moderator |
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boobookittyx3 |
Re: Ignorant comments? | #1 | ||
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AHC Veteran
Posts: 1796 03/15/06 04:41 Moderator |
My personal favorite is when I was told that I should get my tubes tied, since I was obviously not meant to have more children. I am sure my son is happy I did not take that advice.
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gakg |
Re: Ignorant comments? | #2 | ||
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AHC Veteran
Posts: 224 03/15/06 10:56 AHC Veteran |
My favorite ignorant comment is a bit harsh. I avoided contact with pretty much everyone after my AHC - I was a real mess. Like the rest of you, I wanted this baby bady. I didn't get diagnosed / amnio results back until 23+ weeks - so it was all very late to be finding such bad news out (T18/neural cysts, etc). Probably about 2 weeks after the tx, I was speaking with someone close to me who was also pregnant - I had lent her maternity clothes for her first pregnancy and had asked for them back. She called to offer sympathy for my loss and then sprung her news - she was pregnant again! While that was a blow - I completely lost track of the conversation (and pretty much everything else) at her next words..." Since you are no longer pregnant, can I get the maternity clothes back from you" !!!!! I am not sure how long it took for my husband to catch the look on my face and take the phone out of my hand. Needless to say, I did not finish that phone call - and resumed not avoiding the world for another couple of weeks.
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AlizahMyAngel |
Re: Ignorant comments? | #3 | ||
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AHC Veteran
Posts: 190 03/16/06 01:25 AHC Veteran |
I have gotten the tube tied comment and I still get it even after I had my l/c .
I also got the Its over with and done with so forget about it. I |
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tilly121 |
Re: Ignorant comments? | #4 | ||
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AHC Board Regular
Posts: 20 03/16/06 09:22 AHC Board Regular |
Had a doozy yesterday actually
 . A (not so good) friend who is 13 weeks pregnant was telling me how she is booked in for her NT scan in a couple of days (this is when we got the first inkling that something was very wrong with our baby-- and she knows this). She then proceeded to rave on and on about how she was hoping that the sonographer could tell her the sex of the baby and how her and dh would be "soooooo disappointed" if they could not find out. She then asked me if we had found out the sex of our baby at this time. |
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tilly121 |
Re: Ignorant comments? | #5 | ||
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AHC Board Regular
Posts: 20 03/16/06 09:25 AHC Board Regular |
After a moment of stunned silence, I replied that finding out the sex of our baby was the furtherest thing from our minds at this time (after being told we had a nuchal fold measurement of 6.8mm (less than 3 is normal) and numerous soft markers for chromosomal probs!). I said that while I hoped that they could find out the sex of their baby at this scan, I also hoped that their baby was healthy too!
Sometimes you can't help but be rude when people are so insensitive! |
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stopi |
Re: Ignorant comments? | #6 | ||
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AHC Veteran
Posts: 240 03/16/06 03:14 AHC Veteran |
One friend (a guy who meant well and whose wife had suffered a m/c before their living daughters were born) said "Better luck next time." Several people gave me the "It was for the best" comment, which although true, was also hard to hear (of course, most of these people knew we "lost the baby" because she had birth defects, but not that we terminated). I did my best to take their comments as they were meant, not as they sounded to me, but they were still crushing.
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my little angel K |
Re: Ignorant comments? | #7 | ||
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AHC Veteran
Posts: 301 03/16/06 09:03 AHC Veteran |
I called my Dad to tell him the horrible news about his granddaughter and he said, "Well hunny it's won't be the end of the world to have another baby." It was the day I found out all of the bad news and had to make my decision, not what I wanted to hear from my father.
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 Ayliea |
Re: Ignorant comments? | #8 | ||
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AHC Veteran
Posts: 6527 03/16/06 09:23 Adminstrator |
People are just stupid aren't they?
 The main supervisor in my office said to me about 3 months after my ahc that "You need to get over this and move on." Hello? It was/is my grief and telling me to "get over it" was not what I needed to hear! I told him (rather pointedly) that it was MY grief, and that I would NEVER be "Over" it, but that eventually I would be able to handle it - I also told him that grief takes time and that 3 months is NOT enough time to be "over" the loss of my only child! Ay |
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onehereonegone |
Re: Ignorant comments? | #9 | ||
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AHC Veteran
Posts: 2152 03/16/06 10:41 AHC Veteran |
Oh my gosh, I've had my share of awful comments too! I'd like to believe that people mean well, but sometimes it's hard to believe.
My own mother said this to me the evening of my laminary insertion just hours before I went back for my dreaded D&E... "don't worry honey, I asked a nurse friend and she said it will be just like your period and then it will be over and you'll be fine!" My boss too after only 2 1/2 months let me know that "the company needed me to over it now" this is after I had already returned to work long before the comment. And then a stupid co-worker shared this with me when I explained to her my baby's devastating problems and the fact that we basically had to have a D&E... "oh I totally understand, a long time ago I had an abortion too" UGH! I just shook my head walked away and cried when I got away from them... with each of these comments. I guess it's our job to educate everyone... |
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kgcitygal |
Re: Ignorant comments? | #10 | ||
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AHC Veteran
Posts: 5367 03/17/06 12:01 |
About 6 wks after our tx, my husband's colleague found out they were having a girl instead of the boy they thought they were having and were VERY DISAPPOINTED, since they only wanted boys. This was like a dagger through my heart, since I lost my baby girl. Why would he tell my dh that?
In between my 1st indicator of poor prenatal diagnosis and confirmation and tx, my boss was out for most of the day, and came into work later. He told me it was because he had to take his wife for an abortion, since they had been "a bit reckless". They are in their late 30s/early 40s with 2 kids already and had been toying with the idea of adding another, but when push came to shove and she found out she was pg, she decided that no, she did not. STAB STAB STAB through my heart... |
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christydpt |
Re: Ignorant comments? | #11 | ||
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AHC Veteran
Posts: 1448 03/17/06 01:51 |
Because my daughter's diagnosis was cystic fibrosis, which is an autosomal recessive disorder, the chance fore recurrance was 25%. I was grieving both the loss of her and the possiblility that it could happen again if we tried again naturally. I went to a grief counselor, apparently the guy with experience in infant loss, and he was less than comforting. Certainly not helpful. He said if we had recurrance then we'd have to "face reality" about not having another child. His comment stung me, and I didn't return for another counseling session.
Thank goodness for us facing reality, by the way, because my second living child is happily sleeping next to me. Christy |
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hope41 |
Re: Ignorant comments? | #12 | ||
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AHC Board Regular
Posts: 51 03/17/06 05:40 AHC Board Regular |
When I told an acquaintance that I had been pregnant but lost the baby, she didn't say she was sorry first, no, she said it was "probably for the best" and "miscarriages are nature's way of taking care of health problems in the baby".
I wasn't about to tell her that I didn't have a miscarriage, because I don't feel close enough to this woman anyway, but how insensitive! No "I'm sorry" first, no, just this remark. If I had actually had a miscarriage, I don't know if I could keep it together at all, but I just tried to smile at her as the knife wnet through my heart. |
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Suma1 |
Re: Ignorant comments? | #13 | ||
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AHC Veteran
Posts: 2868 03/20/06 12:36 AHC Veteran |
My first day back to work after my L & D of my AHC a co-worker asked me to buy the office baby shower gift basket for a co-worker who's wife was due with a baby soon since I knew what was going on on the baby scene. Like I really wanted to buy gifts for someone elses baby 7 days after mine died.
  Sue |
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cjma |
Re: Ignorant comments? | #14 | ||
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AHC Board Regular
Posts: 95 03/20/06 04:38 AHC Board Regular |
In addition to all the standard stupid comments, I got this from my mother in law.
I was due in June; therefore, we had told our family down in Miami that we wouldn't be planning any visits down after April and before Sept. After we tx'd my mom in law actually said "Well, I suppose you guys can come down and visit now!" Needless to say, no trip is planned ANY TIME in the near future. Kelly |
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JenRyanCooper |
Re: Ignorant comments? | #15 | ||
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AHC Board Regular
Posts: 63 03/21/06 01:16 AHC Board Regular |
While looking at my son from the SR pregnancy, a friend of mine (who knew about the selective reduction) commented to me "Wow, do you ever look at him and think 'he could have had other brothers or sisters?'". And, shocked at her insensitivity, I just looked at her and said "Yes. I think about that every day."
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nywebchic |
Re: Ignorant comments? | #16 | ||
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AHC Veteran
Posts: 289 03/23/06 02:27 AHC Veteran |
My own sister said stupid things without thinking.
We were in the midst of struggling with our decision. In response to the news that a little boy was killed in Chicago, when a plane skid off the runway last Dec, "It's so especially sad to hear that children are killed during the holiday season" Our tx was a week before Christmas. (I am sorry if this upset you.) |
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boobookittyx3 |
Re: Ignorant comments? | #17 | ||
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AHC Veteran
Posts: 1796 03/24/06 11:07 Moderator |
webchic,
I remember hearing that kind of comment a lot after it happened. It was an ignorant comment in many ways.. for one, is it worse to lose a child on Dec 20 than on Feb 20?? And how could she say it to someone who had just lost as child as if that loss was less meaningful to them? People just don't think. So no. I for one was not upset with your post. But I can sure understand why you would have been with her comment! |
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Dianne |
Re: Ignorant comments? | #18 | ||
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AHC Board Regular
Posts: 21 03/29/06 07:09 AHC Board Regular |
Its now been 4days since i gave birth and lost my son and the most silliest comment was well u have two other healthy sons be grateful.Also on the night i went in to have him my friend who was in hospital after having her baby came up to me as i was being admitted and asked me to be her sons godmother i guess she was trying to be nice i have since declined.
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tristesse68 |
Re: Ignorant comments? | #19 | ||
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AHC Veteran
Posts: 3858 04/05/06 08:55 AHC Veteran |
"God only gives you what you can handle" - given that I lied and told her I had miscarried.
That'll make you feel like S**T any day. |
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hagskmh |
Re: Ignorant comments? | #20 | ||
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AHC Veteran
Posts: 375 04/07/06 10:19 |
Ok I don't know if this is a stupid comment as much as it pissed me off. This was when our daughter was diagnosed with HLHS and me and dh was in the midst of our decision making. I went to a grief counselor because I was really messed up. I told her that I didn't believe in abortion, but how could I carry a baby that I knew would die shortly after birth? I just sat there crying and she said "You shouldn't have an abortion" and then started in with religion bullshit. I'm like "Are you kidding me?" I couldn't believe that she was pushing her religious views on me when she had no idea what I was going through. Needless to say I never went to see her again. I think she was more of a grief counselor for people who lost their parents not their children.
Karla |
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- Joining AHC
- Out in the Open
- Grandparents' Discussion Area
- Discussions/Links to Pro-Choice Election Information
- A Heartbreaking Choice - Main Private Forum
- Subsequent Losses
- Spirituality & Religion After AHC
- AHC Personal Stories
- The Dads' Forum
- Trying To Conceive
- Conception Issues
- Subsequent Pregnancy Discussion
- Adoption Issues
- Parenting After AHC
- New Arrivals: Our Post-AHC Babies
- Life After AHC
- The Porch
- Child-Free/Done with Childbearing
- Pro-Choice Discussion
- Forty Plus General Chatter
- Help Files
- Administration Discussion
