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I am so sorry for your loss. Those of us here can wholly relate to what you're going through. Using this board after my HBC was one of the few things that helped me deal with the tremendous pain I experienced. The whole process was quite difficult, but I can say now, months later, that things do get better. You'll never be the same old person again, but you will find that this loss -- as painful as it is -- provides you with new gifts. I don't want to presume to much, but in terms of me, I discovered how incredibly strong I was as a person and I gained a greater appreciation for life -- how fragile AND how precious it is. I hope you're hanging in there and know that you're absolutely NOT ALONE. There are many, many of us out here who have been faced with making decisions we never thought in a million years that we'd have to make. You will pull through this, and you are truly an amazing person for doing so. Never forget that. Finally, please give yourself space to heal. Don't expect too much of yourself. Put yourself first. You deserve it. You've been through one of the most painful things that life can bring, and you need to acknowledge that and provide yourself the room and time to process everything. Please, hang in there and take good care.